How To Handle Every Relationship With Ease And Avoid Miscommunication With Your Man

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“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.” – John Gray

Working with many couples and confronting the miscommunication issues they encounter, I received many questions, especially from women, on the nature of these drastic differences between males and females. Thus, I decided to commit myself to digging into the topic of love and the many portrayals of it from both parties respectively. Why would males and females have such different perspectives on a presumed feeling they mutually share? Why do the different expressions of care and support lead to arguments and conflicts? Why do females feel dismissed and misunderstood by their partners in their perception of needs and desires in a discussion? And most importantly, what is love to the “stronger sex” a.k.a. men?

In order to answer these questions, I will apply the standpoint of John Gray, relationship counsellor, on miscommunication of couples and the differences they possess, in order to understand their needs, feelings and motivation behind particular reactions on daily situations. This article examines the specifics of thinking, acting and reasoning with the world from both positions, as well as their approach in discussions and problem solving.

My good friend Anette once called me after a fight with her boyfriend David. They have been in a relationship for a bit over 2 years, and recently Anette got a new job that she really needed, but was not very fond of in terms of stress and pressure. Anette told me that she had a meeting with David over the weekend and mentioned to him how stressed she was under the tension of her new job and her family issues that to a large extent emerged after she took the new position. She called me in great distress due to David’s reaction, as he didn’t show interest in having a discussion about it and simply suggested her quitting the job.

Before judging the situation, I decided to look at the two different perspectives of both Anette and David to understand their motivations. Anette approached David in time she felt most vulnerable, stressed and in need of support, but her way of expressing  this need and her approach in discussion of issues, was different from the one David has normally been used to. John Gray, relationship counsellor and author, claims that women tend to discuss issues to vent their stress and frustration, speaking about their problem out loud helps them to share their story, get a new angle on it, or seek comfort and support. In the same time, men do not like to discuss their issues with others, as they see the discussion as a way to help out on the issue and find a key solution to it.

In the given situation, Anette felt the need for a discussion to simply vent her emotions and find comfort in David, while he believed that Anette was looking for a solution to her problem, and the most obvious solution to a position she emotionally described as hateful – was simply quitting the job. In order to avoid that situation Anette should have started the discussion with asking David to merely listen to her instead of giving advice or suggesting anything; another option could be to mentally prepare for David looking for a solution, and perhaps trying to listen to his opinion of solving it.

Surprisingly, giving woman a solution to her issue is an act of real care, affection and demonstration of support from a man. Given the same circumstance, a man wouldn’t go for a conversation to clear his mind and seek comfort. It is almost embarrassing for him to admit to his incapability to the point of venting on his problems to woman he loves. Taking start from the primary masculine instinct of hunting and protecting the family, modern men still see themselves as getters and guardians for the women that embody the roles of a home-maker and care-taker. Can you imagine a cave man sitting and whining that he lost his spear, couldn’t kill the prey and even twisted his ankle during the hunt, while his woman and family were risking starvation without means of survival? I wouldn’t think so!

Still, as ridiculous as it may sound, nowadays men are not much different from their cave predecessors. Their reasoning follows the same modus operandi – to be capable enough to support his woman; to be good enough to overcome competitors; to be strong enough to overcome obstacles, and finally the most astonishing fact – to feel needed and validated every day. Most women won’t notice it under the mask of detachment and confidence, while in reality most of the actions of the man, especially in a relationship, are motivated by the need of validation and admiration. Becoming bigger, better, [faster], stronger for his woman eliminates his risks of constant competitiveness and ensures his dominance and competence in life. After all, men should stop seeing women as their one and only weakness, but start seeing them as their true source of strength.

 

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